Days of Our Lives

I say it over and over and over and over again, "These are the days of our lives." It's kinda become a joke among my friends, really it's now starting to make everyone mad. But, I thave to say it over and over again because we are in college AND having just finished my first year of college it means a lot and it's kind of a big deal. Everyone always says, "back in college. . . . " well why should I realize that these are an amazing four years after they are already gone! I want to realize that you don't get these years back (though you don't get any time back) and that as soon as you graduate college you (most likely) will never go back. 

These years should mean a lot to most people and my one year of experience was no exception. I feel like I set up a multitude of good things at Hamline and made memories that I will laugh/cry/joke about for years. To ensure that I never forget the awesome times I had this year I made a list of things I never want to forget. 

The list totals 82 things and could possibly grow as I remember things that I forgot. Some things are inside jokes, some are public territory (No.14), some only I would get, and some are half way terrifying. This list was actually the most warming thing I have ever gotten a chance to spend time writing down. I truly had the best first year of college I possibly could have meaning every expectation/goal I had was met. GET IT GET IT GET IT GET IT GET IT. Here are a few highlights from the list

3. Bugglez

7. Laura - the ghost in my room

8. Being Bobby Strong :)

9. American College Dance Festival

12. Diamond the Tranny

14.
 

31. Caty Bishops infectious laugh

33. Doing Single Ladies with Kale!

39. Russ Christenson and everything he does.

43. Happy Birthday Bitch!!!!

49. Singing Britney Spears covers acoustically with Katie

62. Lauren banging a hammer on the heating system when someone was playing a guitar and singing not so beautifully.

69. Gay Protest Day

72. Leah Barton's harem of bitties.

81. The Uterus and Love Sacs

82. Withee

-Ben

Just stages. Damn them.

We get caught on the high wire and forget.

It seems normal to end up back in this position, where I am back feeling unstable and insecure and hoping for more. Thinking back a year, when everything stood at the surface, I don’t necessarily miss that. It was good to feel like I was the one making the calls, feeling like I ran my whole self. Now, I am okay with being back here in stage of movement and change. I wanted that.

So, I will end up back here again, waiting for life’s next stage. 

Anticipating, cause I don’t dare force life to go in any one direction. That is not why I’m here. I’m here to feel, move, change, dream, hope, learn, and love. This stage is just part of that. It’s not like this is a bad stage. How dare I put a negative connotation, like “suffering”, on life? I’m not sure if there is such a thing as a bad stage of life. Just stages. Damn them.

I had a dream about certain people in my life last night.

One year ago, I wouldn’t have ever dreamt about them, let alone know them. I am grateful. Grateful for the good times and memories and bad times and memories they have given me. Grateful they let me be able to dream about them. 

-katie


"I wanna hear how in this give and take."

that was all you were for.

i'll wait, i'll wait, i'll wait.

i'll remember those hazy days,

when your heart fooled mine.

i'll wait.

cause that was all you were for,

a first push off of loves shore,

a chance to find loves core.

in truth, you never meant more.

i'll wait, i'll wait, i'll wait.

i'll let you grow your own name

and life can keep handing me the same.

i'll wait.

cause that was all you were for,

a first push off of loves shore,

a chance to find loves core.

in truth, you never really meant more.

I’ll wait, I’ll wait, I’ll wait.

i'll wait, i'll wait, i'll wait.

waiting, i'll be sure to win

a heart worth fighting for again.

cause that was all you were for,

a first push off of loves shore,

a chance to find loves core.

in truth, you never meant more.

i'll wait, i’ll wait, i’ll wait. 


-Katie.

Alladin and the Genie

I've always had this thing for Alladin. I want any excuse to idolize a disney prince and I love "A Whole New World."  I think I look like him especially when I have long hair so naturally I was him for halloween a couple of years ago:

 

But the reason I bring him up is because his story was used as an example of the philosophy and inspiration of the book/movie I just finished reading/watching during break. It's called "The Secret" and I'm sure many people have read it as well or have heard of it. It's a wonderful read and even if you don't believe in what its saying it will at least inspire you to formulate your own opinions on life.

What they say in the bnook is that you must ask the universe for what you want and you shall receive, just like Alladin and his genie (they also mention that the true story says he was given an infinite amount of wishes not just the three). We need to truly put our thoughts and efforts into what we want, and because of the law of attraction, we receive. It gets more complicated because we cannot use the phrase "don't want" because the universe does not interpret the word don't. And by using the "don't want" phrase we are focusing our energy on negative things when we should be solely thinking about what we do want and acting as if we have it.

Do I believe what "The Secret" is about? Whole Heartedly. I have of course spun it into a view that matches my life and am going to be working to try and make it part of my perception. Do I think it's for everyone to believe? Of course not, there will always be skeptics. But I have always believed in Karma and this has just put principles and guidelines to what I already believed. And, for me it has given me mental excercises to perform and helpful hints to achieve what I truly want out of life. I will be changing many of my thinking habits in my future, which will undoubtedly be hard. But it's what I want to do. 

It will be hard because I constantly catch myself thinking about what I don't want out of life. And really focusing my energy and attention to those bad things. Before when I thought that by doing that I was safeguarding myself from ever becoming reality, I was unaware that I was making it possibility. I will now try and direct my attentions to things that I do want with life, and never doubt that they will come true, or that I already have them waiting for me. 

I appreciate that I got the chance to read the book and I am now really taking the time to implement some of these things into my life to really achieve what I want out of it. 

-Ben

My Plan

I plan things out more than anyone else that I know. I have everything for myself planned out until the day I die, which on the day that I die, I'll look into the mirror and tell myself that I lived a happy life and accomplished all I wanted to. I have 5 goals for my life that are a part of the greater plan.

They Are:

1. Love Who I Am: I struggle with this everyday, but I also get better at it everyday

2. Find True Love: I'm going to be someone's everything and all I expect is the same in return. I hope to find this sooner rather than later

3. Have a Job that Brings Financial Security and Hapiness at the Same Time: I will not be a cog in the machine of the working world and I will not live a life where I am not able to support myself.

4. Live in My Dream House: Home is where the heart is, my house that I envision is beautiful.

5. Finish Everything on My List: MTV shoulda given me the show "the buried life" F those toolbags, it was my idea first.

Also I got a tattoo to remind me of these goals:

I love the plans I make for myself and have officially accepted it as a part of who I am and will never change for anyone. This complicates group projects. This also complicates social plans. This complicates my relationship with my mother, queen of unorderliness. This complicates my respect for teachers. This complicates my relationships. This complicates everything, and I love it.

Sometimes I get upset because my plans don't happen the way I want them to happen. Like my search for love. I want it and I'm ready for it. I don't hookup. I'm comfortable with the single lifestyle, am I scared of the alternative, absolutely not. I would be completely ok with settling down at 19, I think thats unique. I still have to grow as a person and I try to do that every day as well so that when that person crosses my path I'm ready. But the biggest thing that I've learned, through my thoughts and conversations with Katie is that I won't settle to cure my loneliness. I don't NEED to be held, kissed, or glorified. What I NEED is that one person, and I'm willing to wait because I haven't met him yet:

For now I'll stick to my plans and my "analness." (It was a joke, laugh) I'll continue to plan out every hour of my day, which is a part of the great plan for happiness.

-Ben 

putting it out there.

so, leah barton and i like to play with that stumble upon thing where it gives you cool websites and stuff to look at. i have been addicted to this one website that it gave me. this lady did a project where she wrote 300 love letters. letters to lovers, friends, family, and strangers. i love how the meaning of love is shown through them all. so differently. it doesn't even have to be written poetically, just written. i admired that. i have never just done that. written what i wanted to tell someone. i needed to. so i did. 

you probably don't remember me seeming like i needed your affirmation of your love from the times we spent before you left. after i encouraged our time touching rather than talking. i showed you that i want love in the poorest of ways. i thought you would make the connection between physical and emotional love. how could i admit that to you afterward? admit that i asked for something i really didn't need in hope for something i did. 

i am really the one at fault, thinking that needs were obvious through twisting behavior. what the hell, right? i hate that i couldn't ask you. i couldn't ask you how you felt, how you were expecting to make me feel, how you wanted it all to play out. i hate that when i did ask you, it was fucking awkward. you couldn't articulate your feelings to me. actually, it was worse. you had never planned to. even worse, to this day i cant imagine you telling me what i needed to hear and i couldn't tell you how i am feeling about it all, for dumb fucking reasons. 

i want you to choose to act in a way that is going to be parallel to how i want you to. natural. not forced. i want you to want me. unconditionally, non-awkwardly, like a friend. i want you to want to make me happy as well as knowing how to. i want you to send me letters and fbook messages. i want you to remind me why we worked, why you looked at me in sorin that time, why you asked me on a date, why i helped you grow, why you wanted to hold my hand in public, and why you wanted more. i don't care if they are animalistic reasons, degrading me down to outward beauty. at least they are reasons i can work with. i could at least hate you then. 


-Katie

here is the inspiration, enjoy it. 

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/1sBpBK/www.sleeptrip.com/300loveletters/2.html

who has my back.

before i start: this is my grandma. she is like 79 years old. i like her. when we went to visit her i had to sleep in the same bed as her. 
she snored. 
okay.
i live in the stage of life where my judgment is shown through what courses i choose to take, who i date, if i decide to go out on a friday, or the occasional "text from last night." i not only am learning to embrace every minute of a life on my own, but also learning to deal with the fact that decision making can shoot me in the ass if i don't watch where i'm pointing my life. choice making is scary. the trill is starting to leave and now i feel like life's trying to scare me till i poop my pants; i feel the same way i did after i watched The Grudge. decision making = the girl from The Grudge. following me around everywhere. i'm constantly being put in situations where i have to rely on myself to make responsible decisions.

(that pic is so creepy and definitely not needed but i just put it up anyway) 
i am forced to look at my own choice making puzzles and to see them from my perspective as well as how other people in my life may view them. i have always thought that life's problems are better off internalized, figured out on ones own so to be fully learned from and thought out. strength and the right choices do not have to be found that way. in fact, i have learned to value the insight and outside perspective of people i trust.
i started feeling insecure about how i could value the fact that everyone should have their own opinions of things and yet, i wasn't open to utilizing that by asking others for advice and a different perspective on something i was going through. it is naive of me and almost conceded to think that i am always going to know exactly the right choice for myself. it is ignorant to think that i would seem weaker by asking for help, by admitting my confusion or frustration. at first, hearing my friends views on my choices almost hurt. it was hard to remember that they supported me when i knew they disagreed or had a different view than i did. i learned to value my friends who could remain sympathetic of my right to choose my own routes in life and choice making, even if they disagreed. 
i still haven't found resolution to the fight between internalizing life and being a human beings and needing to talk through things. a part of me will always want to push through it myself until i can feel content with a situation on my own, sit by myself all day listing to music and thinking, learning through practice and error.  maturity wise, i think i would never gain anything by only living life that way. instead i need to find people who will never press judgement on my life, but will help me remember why i choose the things i do. keep me in check and shit.
i don't need someone to tell me EXACTLY what choices to make. no one wants that. i just want to be able to feel comfortable in a situation where i can present a decision i need to make and collaborate with someone from a different perspective.   
friends are meant to fill that role. you can always have the back of a friend without having to back every decision they make. 


-katie.