who has my back.

before i start: this is my grandma. she is like 79 years old. i like her. when we went to visit her i had to sleep in the same bed as her. 
she snored. 
okay.
i live in the stage of life where my judgment is shown through what courses i choose to take, who i date, if i decide to go out on a friday, or the occasional "text from last night." i not only am learning to embrace every minute of a life on my own, but also learning to deal with the fact that decision making can shoot me in the ass if i don't watch where i'm pointing my life. choice making is scary. the trill is starting to leave and now i feel like life's trying to scare me till i poop my pants; i feel the same way i did after i watched The Grudge. decision making = the girl from The Grudge. following me around everywhere. i'm constantly being put in situations where i have to rely on myself to make responsible decisions.

(that pic is so creepy and definitely not needed but i just put it up anyway) 
i am forced to look at my own choice making puzzles and to see them from my perspective as well as how other people in my life may view them. i have always thought that life's problems are better off internalized, figured out on ones own so to be fully learned from and thought out. strength and the right choices do not have to be found that way. in fact, i have learned to value the insight and outside perspective of people i trust.
i started feeling insecure about how i could value the fact that everyone should have their own opinions of things and yet, i wasn't open to utilizing that by asking others for advice and a different perspective on something i was going through. it is naive of me and almost conceded to think that i am always going to know exactly the right choice for myself. it is ignorant to think that i would seem weaker by asking for help, by admitting my confusion or frustration. at first, hearing my friends views on my choices almost hurt. it was hard to remember that they supported me when i knew they disagreed or had a different view than i did. i learned to value my friends who could remain sympathetic of my right to choose my own routes in life and choice making, even if they disagreed. 
i still haven't found resolution to the fight between internalizing life and being a human beings and needing to talk through things. a part of me will always want to push through it myself until i can feel content with a situation on my own, sit by myself all day listing to music and thinking, learning through practice and error.  maturity wise, i think i would never gain anything by only living life that way. instead i need to find people who will never press judgement on my life, but will help me remember why i choose the things i do. keep me in check and shit.
i don't need someone to tell me EXACTLY what choices to make. no one wants that. i just want to be able to feel comfortable in a situation where i can present a decision i need to make and collaborate with someone from a different perspective.   
friends are meant to fill that role. you can always have the back of a friend without having to back every decision they make. 


-katie.